.: misdirected :.

I’m so done with relationships. There’s so little decency in the world. I have always...

Fri, 29 Oct 2010 13:46:56 -0400

I’m so done with relationships. There’s so little decency in the world. I have always been tolerant of humanity’s flaws, but I am so fed up with it. My honesty and tolerance of people’s imperfections do not grant me the same respect. I have lowered my standards far too many times and burned for it. I will not make that mistake again.

I realize I have been letting my depression take a hold of me far more then I wish to allow. I felt...

Sat, 28 Aug 2010 05:43:39 -0400

I realize I have been letting my depression take a hold of me far more then I wish to allow. I felt that I had no desire to be around anyone, but not just that, no one would want to be around me anyway - because I’ve literally become a complete social retard with no positive energy or emotion. I really can’t keep letting myself live this way. I can’t let my heart hold on to something bringing me misery because I don’t know what he wants. I wish I could just erase this horrible feeling, I just can’t stand this dwelling any longer and I can’t will it away.

$110. I’ve done everything on this list except prank call...

Wed, 25 Aug 2010 17:04:00 -0400

$110. I’ve done everything on this list except prank call the cops. Bad?

And I suck at adding. :\

stolen again.

Thu, 19 Aug 2010 21:19:57 -0400

Appearance

[x] I have / had piercings in places besides my ears.
[x] I have many scars.
[x] I tan easily.
[ ] I wish my hair was a different color.
[x] I have friends who have never seen my natural hair color.
[x] I have a tattoo.
[x] I am self-conscious about my appearance.
[ ] I’ve had/have braces.
[x] I have more than two piercings.

Embarrassment

[x] Disney movies still make me cry.
[x] I’ve laughed so hard I’ve cried.
[x] I’ve glued my hand to something.
[ ] I’ve laughed ’til some kind of beverage came out of my nose.
[ ] I’ve had my pants rip in public.

Health

[x] I’ve gotten stitches.
[ ] Broken a bone.
[ ] I’ve had my tonsils removed.
[x] I’ve sat in a doctor’s office with a friend.
[x] I’ve had my wisdom teeth removed.
[ ] I’ve had serious surgery.
[x] I’ve had chicken pox.

Traveling

[x] I’ve been to Florida.
[x] I’ve driven / ridden over 200 miles in one day.
[X] I’ve been on a plane.
[ ] I’ve been to Canada.
[ ] I’ve been to Cuba.
[ ] I’ve been to Niagara Falls.
[ ] I’ve been to Ottawa.
[ ] I’ve gone to Sudbury.
[ ] I’ve been to the Caribbean.
[x] I’ve been to Europe.

Experiences

[x] I’ve gotten lost in my city.
[x] I’ve seen a shooting star.
[x] I’ve wished on a shooting star.
[x] I’ve seen a meteor shower.
[x] I’ve gone out in public in my pajamas.
[x] I’ve pushed all the buttons on an elevator.
[x] I’ve kicked a guy where it hurts.
[x] I’ve been to a casino.
[ ] I’ve been skydiving.
[x] I’ve gone skinny-dipping.
[ ] I’ve drank a whole gallon of milk in one hour.
[ ] I’ve crashed a car.
[ ] I’ve been skiing.
[ ] I’ve been in a musical.
[x] I’ve caught a snowflake or snow on my tongue.
[ ] I’ve seen the Northern Lights.
[x] I’ve sat on a rooftop at night.
[x] I’ve played a prank on someone.
[x] I’ve ridden in a taxi.

Relationships

[x] I’m single.
[ ] I’m in a relationship.
[ ] I’ve gotten divorced.
[ ] I don’t believe in love

Honesty / Crime

[x] I’ve been arrested.

[x] I’ve done something I promised someone else I wouldn’t.
[x] I’ve done something I promised myself I wouldn’t.
[x] I’ve snuck out.
[x] I’ve lied to my parents about where I am.
[x] I’ve cheated while playing a game.
[x] I’ve witnessed a crime.
[x] I’ve been in a fist fight.

Death and Suicide

[ ] I’m afraid of dying.
[ ] I hate funerals.
[x] I’ve seen someone / something dying.
[x] Someone close to me has attempted / committed suicide.
[x] I’ve planned my own suicide before.
[ ] I’ve written a eulogy for myself.

Materialism

[ ] I own over 5 rap CD’s.
[x] I have an unhealthy obsession with anime / manga.
[ ] I own something from Pac Sun.
[x] I collected comic books.
[ ] I own something from The Gap.
[x] I own something I got on E-Bay.
[ ] I own something from Abercrombie

Random

[ ] I can sing well.
[ ] Stolen a tray from a fast food restaurant.
[ ] I open up to others easily
[ ] I watch the news.
[x] Don’t kill bugs/don’t like to
[ ] I sing in the shower.
[x] I am a morning person.
[ ] I am a sports fanatic.
[x] I twirl my hair.
[x] I care about grammar.
[ ] I love spam.
[ ] I’ve copied more than 30 CD’s in a day.
[x] I bake well.
[x] My favorite color is either white, yellow, pink, blue, red, black, purple, or orange.
[x] I would wear pajamas to school.
[ ] I like Martha Stewart.
[ ] I am guilty of tYpInG lIkE tHiS.
[x] I laugh at my own jokes
[ ] I eat fast food weekly.
[x] I’ve not turned anything in and still got an A in a certain class.
[ ] I can’t sleep if there is a spider in the room.
[ ] I am really ticklish.
[x] I like white chocolate.
[x] I bite my nails.
[x] I’m good at remembering faces.
[ ] I’m good at remembering names.
[x] I’m good at remembering dates.
[ ] I honestly have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life.
[x] All my answers were totally honest

People

[ ] ask if I’m anorexic/bulimic
[x] call me fat
[ ] say I’m skinny
[x] say I’m ugly
[x] say I’m pretty
[x] spread rumors about me
[ ] force me to eat
[ ] say I eat too much
[ ] wish I’d eat more
[ ] don’t know I’m anorexic/bulimic

Family

[x] I’ve sworn at my parents.
[x] I’ve run away from home.
[ ] I’ve been kicked out of the house.
[ ] My biological parents are together.
[ ] I have a sibling less than one year old.
[x] I want to have kids someday.
[ ] I’ve had children.
[x] I’ve lost a child.

Relationships

[x] I’m single
[ ] I’m in a relationship.
[ ] I’m engaged.
[ ] I’m married.
[ ] I’ve gone on a blind date.
[x] I miss someone right now.
[x] I have a fear of abandonment.
[ ] I’ve cheated in a relationship.
[ ] I’ve gotten divorced
[x] I’ve had feelings for someone who didn’t have them back.
[x] I’ve told someone I loved them when I didn’t.
[x] I’ve told someone I didn’t love them when I did.
[x] I’ve kept something from a past relationship.

Sexuality

[x] I’ve had a crush on someone of the same sex.
[ ] I’ve had a crush on a teacher.
[x] I am a cuddler.
[x] I’ve been kissed in the rain.
[x] I’ve hugged a stranger.
[x] I have kissed a stranger.

Bad times

[x] I’ve consumed alcohol.
[ ] I regularly drink.
[ ] I can’t swallow pills.
[x] I can swallow numerous pills at a time without difficulty
[x] I have been diagnosed with clinical depression at some point
[x] I shut others out when I’m upset.
[x] I take anti-depressants.
[ ] I’m anorexic or bulimic or have EDNOS.
[x] I’ve slept an entire day when I didn’t need it.
[x] I’ve hurt myself on purpose.
[x] I am / have been addicted to self harm.
[x] I’ve woken up crying
[x] I’ve lost weight
[x] I’ve gained weight
[ ] I’m at my thinnest
[ ] I’m at my biggest
[ ] I’ve lost weight and kept it off
[x] I’ve lost weight but gained it back
[ ] My weight affects my mood
[ ] I weigh myself daily
[ ] I am jealous of everyone smaller than me
[ ] I thrive on compliments
[ ] I feel bigger than people who are my size
[x] I feel happy when I’m hungry
[ ] I get depressed after I eat
[x] I’ve skipped a meal
[x] I’ve thrown food away
[x] I’ve spat food out
[ ] I’ve taken diet pills
[ ] I’ve used laxatives
[ ] I’ve purged
[x] I exercise -occasionally
[ ] I exercise so I can eat
[ ] I work out secretly
[ ] I work out daily
[ ] I exercise to counteract eating
[ ] I’ve fainted from exhaustion

I’ve Done

[x] Weed
[x] Cigarettes
[x] Alcohol
[ ] Diet pills
[x] Pain killers
[x] Anti-depressants
[x] Ecstasy
[x] LSD
[x] Mushrooms
[ ] Speed
[x] Cocaine
[x] Other
[ ] I keep my eating habits a secret
[ ] I have a diet blog
[ ] I look at thinspo
[ ] I collect thinspo
[x] I’m doing this for me
[ ] I’m doing this for someone
[ ] I’m doing this to prove myself

A blanket of loneliness has enveloped me more swiftly then I would have liked. I lied awake,...

Fri, 13 Aug 2010 06:33:54 -0400

A blanket of loneliness has enveloped me more swiftly then I would have liked. I lied awake, listening to Zen and the Art of Relaxation, and what was meant to be calming was just making tears silently roll down my face.

I’m so tired of my relationships failing. I’m starting to think it’s just me. It’s not that I’m unlovable. Am I too demanding? Do I want too much attention? Is it so wrong to want to be able to call at 3am just to hear someone’s voice? I look around, and there’s people who already want to date me, and I’ve only been here a month. I see them, think about them, and just don’t feel it. No connection, no longing, no desire. I want to feel loved, but I’m thoroughly exhausted from my failures.

I want to live for myself, my own happiness. I want to do things I enjoy. And I’m trying to live that way, but still feel like a void is in my heart. I find myself just laying in bed when I get home from work because I have little desire to spend time with anyone I know. And yet I long for someone to just lay with. I want to meet new people, feel that spark of wanting to spend time with someone.

My migraines are getting worse and worse. The medication hasn’t been working, and it’s hard to sleep, hard to concentrate, hard to even keep my eyes open because light and sound make my head throb. I need to call my neurologist and get my follow-up moved sooner because I really can’t take this. It’s adding to my depression. I refuse to turn to drugs or selfharm like I did in the past. I don’t want to be that girl anymore - the one who hates herself. Every night I lie awake, I’m contemplating whether it’s really worth it anymore, how easy it would be to end it. I’m running on empty, and nothing is giving me much motivation anymore.

This is really emo, but I don’t give a shit.

I am seriously loving having my job back. $1600 a month is pretty damn sweet.

Mon, 09 Aug 2010 23:10:28 -0400

I am seriously loving having my job back. $1600 a month is pretty damn sweet.

stolen.

Sun, 01 Aug 2010 22:23:12 -0400

A
- Available: Unfortunately.
- Age: 20.
- Annoyance: Bad grammar, disrespect, people chewing with mouth open, when people bring up my past faults.
- Animal: Cats. Big and Small.

B
- Birthday: November 17, 1989
- Body part on opposite sex: Eyes & stomach/hips. Both sexes.
- Best weather: Slightly cloudy and 68 degrees. (I absolutely agree with this.)
- Been on stage?: A longggg time ago.
- Believe in God: I believe in something. Not sure that’s it.

C
- Candy: Andes.
- Color: Purple.
- Chinese/Mexican: Chinese, but I love them both.
- Cake or pie: Pie.
- Cheese: HELL YES.

D
- Day or Night: Dusk.
- Dance in the rain?: Nah.

E
- Eggs: scrambled with cheese. (also agree, can’t eat it without cheese.)
- Eyes: Mine? Auburn. On another person? Blue or Green or a light colour.
- Ever failed a class?: No.

F
- First crush: A boy named Nathan in 5th grade.
- First thoughts waking up: Better get up and get ready.
- Food: Sushi/Crab legs/Cheese.
- Fruit: Pears & grapes.

G
- Greatest fear: Losing my mind.
- Goals: Be able to support myself financially and emotionally.

H
- Hair color: Dark Brown.
- Height: 4’10”.
- Happy: Not really.
- Holiday: Thanksgiving. Because I love food that for some strange reason isn’t made any other time of the year. I still don’t get why.
- How do you want to die: Without much pain.

I
- Ice cream: Mint Chocolate Chip or Cookies & Cream.
- Instrument: Violin & Piano. Beautiful alone and together.

J
- Jewelry: Yes.
- Job: Verification Specialist at StoneRiver Pharmacy Solutions.

K
- Kids: Right now, I don’t feel that I’ll ever want them. But it could change. At least not until I’m well off. Oh, gotta find the right person first. Not holding my breath.
- Kickboxing or karate: I’d rather watch Karate.
- Keep a journal: I have a livejournal, but also a physical journal that I write it more then anything online.

L
- Love: Life. (D:)

M
- Milk flavor: Organic 2% Milk. The one with the cow on it.
- Movie: Fantasia.
- Mooned anyone: Yep.
- Marriage: Doubtful.
- Motion sickness: I get carsick sometimes. But usually it’s the effect of a migraine.

N
- Number of siblings: 3.
- Number of piercings: 8. my lip piercing isn’t closed though, so 9 maybe.
- Number: 22 or 17.

O
- Overused Phrases: Chu.
- One wish: That I could be in complete control of mind, that I can be help people I care about, and that somewhere there’s someone out there that’s for me.

P
- Place you’d like to live: Somewhere with beauty, like the ocean, or mountains. I love chattanooga too.
- Perfect Pizza: Supreme, extra cheese.
- Pepsi/Coke: Neither. I hate them both.

R
- Reason to cry: I rarely have a good reason. I’m a regular waterworks.
- Reality T.V.: No.
- Radio station: Don’t listen except in the morning on the way to work, and it’s usually an oldie station.
- Roll your tongue in a circle: I don’t really understand.
- Ring Size: 8.

S
- Song: Deftones - Kimdracula.
- Shoe size: 6.5
- Salad dressing: I like caesar salads. Not sure what that dressing is.
- Sushi: Spicy Eel Tempura Roll. Cooked sushi is awesome.
- Skipped school: Well, I missed alot.
- Sing well?: I try.
- Strawberries/Blueberries: Allergic to Strawberries.

T
- Time for bed: 10pm, but my insomnia keeps me up until 3-4am.
- Thunderstorms: The weather right before them is my favourite.
- TV: Animeeee.

U
- Unpredictable: No.

V
- Vacation spot: Anywhere away from my mind. I like the beach and mountains.

W
- Weakness: Love & Cats.
- Wanted to be a model: Used to want to.
- Who makes you laugh the most: My brother & Oni.
- Worst weather: Anything over 70 degrees and humid. Ughhhhhh. I hate heat.

X
- X-rays: Never had one.

Y
- Year it is now: 2010

Z
- Zoo animal: Jaguars and Snakes.
- Zodiac sign: Scorpio.

in sleep's misty shade, I lie beneath worlds imaginary;

Sun, 01 Aug 2010 15:08:54 -0400

I feel like I’m on the verge of a major breakdown, frantically trying to hold it all together. It’s not like I’ve never loved & lost before, so why is this so painful? Why is this longing still there, when I know he’s no good for me, and that I was miserable with him? I’d told myself before, you know you’d rather be miserable with him the miserable without him. And I guess I was right.

I know that this is something common. I know that our relationship was failing, that sooner or later we’d be at each others’ throats like lions. So I wanted to get away, be more prepared next time, (because this time, I definitely wasn’t, but he basically told me if I didn’t move there with him then, it wasn’t ever going to happen). Some part of myself pleaded that this separation would give us time to work on our own issues, make things easier, that we’d return brand new people still in love, still soulmates. And yet, now he’s fading away from me, ignoring my texts, never calling, never picking up when I call, erasing me from his life even though he was the one begging for us to stay the same way we used to when we were long distance, talking as much as we could. And now he’s the one pushing me away.

What’s the most painful, is the not knowing. He won’t give a straight answer. Do you want me to keep trying to talk to you? Is this really over, can I drop it and start getting over it and get on with my life? Do you still love me, want to be with me, want me to come back to you eventually? (For those that don’t know, he lives 700 miles away). I don’t know what he wants, and the faintest glimmer of hope that he’s giving me is making me go crazy, because my heart can’t take it. My mind has already been steadily trying to dismiss this all as a waste of time, preparing me to get over this, move on. But my heart is still clinging to what I know in my mind is useless, painful, and not good for me.

I have never felt this way before, not in control of my emotions when I want to turn them off and move on. I feel like my heart is trying to hold on to this because it can’t accept that I’ve failed again. To make myself feel better, I have and others have told me it’s not my fault, I just keep getting into relationships with assholes. But yet another defeat is pounding on my brain that now, it’s been my fault. I’m not perfect, but I’ve been steadily picking up the pieces of myself and becoming a better person. I’ve been trying to think optimistically because constant pessimism is something I can’t stand in others and won’t tolerate in myself.

I find I need to surround myself with new people, people I’ve never hung out with, good people who won’t try to get me into drugs or bad habits and actually care about me, trust me, enjoy my company. It’s hard to find people like this in Memphis when almost everyone I know does some kind of drug, however I suppose as long as they don’t push it on me I wouldn’t mind, since I’ve highly tolerant of it already.

All I know is that when I’m alone, I sit and broad over this distress. And it’s stress I don’t need, don’t want. When I’m working I don’t think about it, as I’m constantly needing to concentrate on my tasks at hand. Luckily I got my old job back, it pays very well and I’m never not doing something that doesn’t require my full attention. And I got my cat back, which has done wonders for my mood.

I’m hoping these next few weeks with improve me and lessen my fears, my troubles. And the insomnia doesn’t help. Luckily I have a neurology appointment tomorrow for the migraines and I will bring it up. And the impending news of my newly developed diabetes isn’t helping, but hopefully the medication will be enough to help me. I’ve ranted far enough for now.

Today-

Sat, 12 Jun 2010 16:52:37 -0400

I feel like absolute shit. Sick sick sick.